Reset Button

… may be what I need is a reset button. No, nothing that will take me back in time. Just a solid ground, a fresh start. May be what I need is to stop sitting at that corner of my balcony , curled up in memories. Maybe, I need to stop staring at the stars so hard. That way, I won’t force myself to understand the meaning of life from the clarity of the night. 

 

... but, I am afraid. Am afraid of losing you to the haze of colorless meagre sized memoirs held by the smiles of those you cherished, the words of those you worked with… or even my own personal expedition with you especially in the last few months this year. Am afraid, if I stop hurting from your loss – you’ll disappear into oblivion. Like you never existed. Like I never knew you. Am afraid if I stop hurting simultaneously from your betrayal, I’ll sink. I’ll drown into that black hole of missing you – missing what we were about (or what I thought we were about).

Sigh. 

So am here. Wiggling my toes. willing myself to FEEL this moment. I want to call it morbid. But am afraid to fully be present. What if I get lost in it all? Suppose, I was wrong? What if I miss you? How will I take back that emotion? It’s not like before I’d randomly travel to meet up with y'all. In fact, given a chance we’d have had our own sweet goodbyes. I would force you into a heart to heart banter over tequila or the Kingfisher you loved so much… and who knows? Maybe, just maybe this goodbye wouldn’t be SO bitter sweet.

But here is where we are.

Afraid to cry. Afraid that tears will pave way to tomorrow that’s so bright that I forget you… and in forgetting you, I'll forget the art of living  in the moment. Loving and appreciating every minute that is accorded into this life of mine. Yet I cry. Unbridled tears. Of words and emotions unspoken.

I still stare at your pictures. I probe. Just to see hints of lifelessness and to date, I still don’t comprehend. Sometimes, I think I’ll go to Oasis and sit there for an hour or two – to get closure. I’ll go to the bar and just reminisce. Hangout with you and him, in my head. For a moment, I do not want to perceive of the lies. I just want to remember what it was like when we were friends. 

Oddly, I’ve had this thought before. When he confessed and I hated you. For a while after I forgave you I thought we should meet at Oasis over shots of tequila… I knew although we’d never fully reconcile, I thought we could bid each other goodbye in a better way for the sake of the friendship that extended over ten years! When the school had  a reunion, I thought I should travel all the way to meet you… But I learned something novel about you & I thought, you’d never change. I snapped… And that was it. Barely 48 hours later…

Do you know there are truths still unraveling even after your passage? Gosh, I am still trying to understand how I got myself  entwined into this tangle of intricacies! You. I trusted you big.

…several weeks later

I have learned that people waste a lot of time waiting. We wait for perfect conditions to take up opportunities. We wait for perfect moments to say what's in our minds. We waste time anticipating for the future - completely disregarding the moment. We waste time sugar coating stuff for bitches we should have slapped long time ...and we barely get the chance to toast for those who've got our backs.

...several weeks later,

I have bonded more with a microphone, a pen, a pencil and a paper... and who knew drawing could actually be a thing - to vent? I have muffled a swirl of emotions. Sometimes of fear, of pain, of inadequacies... I've asked, probed, plotted, prodded, prayed, denied, accepted... all in a heartbeat. 

...several weeks later,

I have laughed, I have danced, I have sat at the corner and cried … I've learned that this thing of ‘breathing in and out’ isn't normality. It isn't certainty or a right insured to us! Crushed as you maybe! Whole as you maybe, if God doesn't allow you to take that next breathe, that's it for you.  …and with the passing of Achieng Abura (too), my TPF reality, it feels like I owe it to myself to live. To sing all the songs I can now. To hit every beautiful note now. To make money now and build that desirable future now. To write every beautiful (or horrible) piece I can, now. To draw all my emotions now and hope someday it will impact someone/change lives.

So maybe, just maybe, I need to hit the reset button. But for whatever is worth, healing is not here with me yet and am no longer pushing it… I’ll let it come when it comes. And when it finally does, I’ll muster all my energy in pressing this button.