Reprehensible

             

Yesterday was a beautiful day.  My hand was held by someone I considered fair back in the days. He spoke words I longed to hear three years ago. He spoke of my beauty as he dared entwine me in his embrace. He spoke of his longing to run his finger through my hair … and his imagination if my lips interlocked his (but for a moment in time). He epitomized my hug to the completeness of him.

For one complete second he was right there where I desired him to be. Three years ago. In a place of reciprocity – I was rejected. Reality stared straight into my eyes and said, I have never hit on anyone else, but her. Three years ago. I remember looking at myself with my mind’s eye with ridicule and fouled my worthiness. For a moment in time I was abashed and dejected. In that moment I looked at myself through his eyes and I hated the mere sight of me. I felt despicable, unfitting, contemptible and unworthy of his flawlessness. I looked at me in my mind’s eye and thought, I’d hate me too. 

For one complete second, time froze and words unraveling his tongue resounded in slow motion. Maybe, just maybe… time didn’t freeze, it was my mind that did. Because I saw his lips move and I could not hear a thing, not much anyway. I rested my head on his chest allowing him to hold me the closest he could and I asked, “How did we get here?” “… by ‘we’ I mean, how do you, as a married man, allow your brain / heart / yourself to get here?” 

Struggling to see my face, he says, “That’s what happens when you let ‘the one’ get away” “… you are left with one you fiercely want to protect. Yet, that feeling of completeness lurks in another and the feelings just never goes.” Striving in vain to see my face, he says, “ I have loved you long before this moment… long before the evening walks… long before I even got married. But I lost you in the awkwardness of my silence, my smile and clueless over the right words to tell you. I lost you in the distance of the times you spent away – in school, college then work.”

You’d think my mind was skipping beats at the time, yes? You’d think my eyes were filled with tears, yes? No. In that  moment, I was filled with gratitude. I was revered by the realization that I indeed was not the one who dragged myself into being enthralled to him all those years ago! Funny how our memories differed. For him, he recalled himself hugging me from the back while staring at the mirror and saying “This couple would make a beautiful portrait.” My memories? echoes of the “I have never hit on anyone else, but her.” from him

I had accepted the situation. We are (were) in an impeccable friendship. But how did 'we' become this intricate? How did we get this complicated? It then hit me, it has always been complicated! You meet her and you think your education and income level cannot sustain her. So you leave. You think that the quarrel/ the fight you’ve had with her (lately) can never be resolved. So you leave. You think she is too pretty, and there is no way she'll say 'yes' to you. So you leave. You plunder with yourself/ conspire with her friend… and once the truth is out, you leave. You leave her without an explanation. You leave her in silence. You leave her through a fight. You just leave… and the feeling of bitterness just grows. She is broken by the whole situation. But mostly, she is reprehensible towards herself. 

While lying on his chest, I hold his arm like my life depends on it. I think to myself  of all the moments I lost not feeling pretty enough... not feeling good enough. The days I lost attempting to change me because maybe, if I held my hair right, if I spoke the right words, if I behaved in a certain way, I wouldn't have lost him or the next suitor. I listen to him talk. I listen to him explore his jealousness of the man who will be mine. He whispers to himself, “I hope he knows that I long to have you. Not someone like you”  While helping me to stand up, he hugs me gently, closely, longingly and raises my chin. He stares at me and says, “You complete me.”   

… it is in that moment when he attempts to close in on me to the wall, that moment when he runs his fingers on my arm …that moment he attempts to kiss my cheeks, that I resolve that I am a good person. That I am a beautiful. That I am a worthy creation. It is in that moment that I decided, even though I’ll have nothing beyond the beautiful friendship I have with him (his Fairness), I’d extend my forgiveness to the person/ the people who have ever made me feel unworthy (especially the suitors) in a moment in time. In that moment, I decided I will always be a friend of Larry. Despite how deep and badly he broke my heart, I decided he could always count on me, to have his back when he needed me. And that I’ll ensure all my intentions and actions are honorable to him and all my friends too. I decided I would be used as an instrument of love by God for God.

Because I want God, to establish me as His holy person.