The Uncensored Singlehood Story

September 30, 2020

The Uncensored Singlehood Story

Good morning, I too think I have something to say…

No. Unlike Mandy Hale, who teaches women to celebrate their singlehood and relishes her single life a little too much, I am just here to make MY contribution to the conversation. I once read a post on Kambua’s Instagram handle, several posts actually. But there is a quote that WON my heart! A quote whose ripple effect has incited the NEED to contribute to the conversation on singlehood. She said: But my years of waiting allowed God to deal with my heart.

***Sigh…

I have heard several teachings on singlehood. I have listened to the struggles in marriage and the ton of work that is borne in motherhood. Often, the conversation comes from people who have been married and/ or parents for a minute. In hindsight, I felt that without some experience, you could not comment on the subject. But it’s disconcerting. Barrenness is heavy. For the couple, it is known and worked upon through faith, science, and action. Happy marriages, parenting, work-life balance all require the same difference.

What they do not tell you, nonetheless, is the singlehood journey. Dating in your 20s is fun and games. It is LIVID mistakes. It is ignorance and pressure to conform. 20s barely leave anyone unscathed. It is pure pain, pleasure, and some rude awakenings. If you thought 20 was a narrow escape, the 30s awaken you. I am not here to judge. I am not here to give counsel. I am not here to say what’s the right or wrong way. But I AM totally here to CONTRIBUTE to the conversation. I want to write about this because I AM in a season of waiting and my oh my, has God dealt with my heart! Is He still dealing with my heart?! Yo…

First, I think it is rude for someone to ask, “Tuna kula pilau lini?” Which is code for, “When are you getting married?” It is wrong for several reasons. In my early 20s, you can’t say the list I had was ridiculous; that I would rather get a dog who would be perspective and loyal. Then, in my late 20s, you say, “When are we meeting him?” Him, who? Your son? Brother? Cousin? Husband? Is he up for cost-sharing? Are you? (I am sorry, that was crass. Let me try that again with some elegance and a dash of love.)

I agree. The list we have when we are younger is frivolous. Good looks and money are not enough to sustain a relationship. The older you get, the more you realize the importance of chemistry, good communication, and virtues in a relationship. Heck, you begin to understand the importance of knowing YOUR purpose and partnering with someone whose purpose supports, complements, or aligns with yours. So, slowdown Jesus-wannabe when you show up empty-handed with these questions. Allow me (whoever relates to this conversation) take my time pursuing a life that is worthy of Christ, before it is honorable in your sight. Just, calm your tits.

Like so many people in marriages, some singles are also ‘wombs in waiting.’ We are wombs in waiting. We are not just wombs waiting for marriages and children and all that beautiful shebang. We are wombs waiting ON God. Let me break it down, what that means for me. If He, of ALL Praise, has not purposed for me to get married, I am NOT getting married. It will hurt. I will cry. But at the end of the v.e.r.y. day, I will be okay with it. I will NOT pursue an Ishmael project to conform. I will not think less of who He is or downplay who He has always been.

Oh, I desire marriage. I desire children. I desire the company. I desire faithfulness. I desire the laughter, the romance, the calls, the dates, the food, the company, the childishness, the adulthood, the partnership. I do. And I have been there, done that. Oh, I have watched me pray prayers to heaven from my lowest place. So I know that I know, that I KNOW beyond all this, I desire God. I desire His purpose. I refuse to gain this whole world that I am creating on my vision board just to lose my soul[1]

People are out here thinking single people are the most selfish humans. I mean, we are. We live at the pace of our lives and not others, HA! But really, it does not mean we are out here breaking hearts dishing out ‘nos’ carelessly. I mean, we are. But not in that gruesome mindless spree expeditions that most of y’all think we are on. If we are dishing out no’s, especially in our late 20s and above, it is because the standards changed. We no longer pick calls or make them on a wimp. We are no longer dating the baddies, thinking they will change.

Interestingly, we do not date those who bare the same ‘complexion’ as ours. Believe me, when I say, we are pursuing purpose. Just because Fine Man is a worshipper and shows up in church almost every Sunday does not mean bro’s got ‘it.’ If his life is not submitted to Christ, if his purpose is not aligned to mine… I am pro’bly not in his vicinity.

I also think it is rude for you to remind us, time waits for no man. We know, Omnipresent. We do. Besides, what have your life-saving relationships brought to this world? We are literally not going to come to you for our retirement support. We won’t even ask you to come to visit us in our Nyumba ya Wazee homes. We won’t. If our youths do not create significant relationships to sustain us, our old age won’t okay? So, relax, Einstein.

Aside from this, it is rude – no, make that very rude trying to make a single person feel bad because they are single. Man, I do not think people see it. People are callous. So now, you with your three children believe it is okay to ask a barren woman, “Mbona umekawia?” Then you add, “Ama mnataka kukaa kaa mwanzo kabla hamjafungua hii chapter?” Dude, are you okay?!! Or you imposingly ask a couple, “Sasa mnaongezea brother ama sister lini?”

***bites lower lips

Are you okay? Is your brain still functional? Ama, you simply left it where you woke up? No. No. You do not get to ask questions like those, Ms. Femiplan. You do not get to impose on ANYONE’s private life like that… Not for the married couple and more so not for the singles too. If you freaking want pilau, go to your freaking kitchen and cook. Okay? If you have NOT been invited to one such conversation, you do NOT get to impose on it. I see people asking questions. Others go ahead and give you unsolicited advice. Then there are others, ha! My actual favorite ones are those who think that we hate our singlehood journey. They will come at you directly or indirectly, trying to show you it’s your personality that has left us single. Since, in their opinion, singlehood is something to be shunned, ha!