Another Open Fist Story

Have you ever read an article, which has been articulated SO well! You can almost taste the mind of the author as you read through it… You almost want the discourse to sit there, on your head like some trophy.  Sigh. I am there right now. …but since no one can write my story, I’ll pen this down as lucid as it will seem.
            Yesterday I had a moment. I was dejected. It all started when I forgot my nice pair of white stilettoes, home. The thing is – I was a little particular about jana. I wanted to wear jeans on a weekday. I wanted to break the norm of an ordinary financier. I was going to light up this look with a hand-stitched poncho and white stilettoes.  I was going to look SO ace. I was going to conquer the world!  …but just as I had stepped out, I realized I had forgotten the one accessory that was going to turn up my wardrobe. And just like that – the day was ruined.

 … it is true what the say: Give a girl the RIGHT pair of heel and she’ll conquer the world - Ask Cinderella.

To be honest, the nondescript note at this moment was not much about forgetting the shoes, than it was in realizing I couldn’t get into MY house. I was sharing my home. I had invited someone into my space – and with his phone off, I couldn’t get MY shoes. I felt locked out. From MY own home! I felt imposed on. I was agitated. I was hurt.

… the ripple effect.

            I get into the office & this son of a man, feels like I am dismayed because of the debt he owes me. [Story for another day].

So here is when things get interesting. One week after my birthday, one week after feeling really and honestly happy about my New Year, one week after praise and worship – I am grasped, fully embraced by the feeling of dissatisfaction. I peruse through the pictures and the word engagement pierces me. It hurts me. It reminds me of my solitude. I look at her and, I love everything about her. Her physique, her well maintained rugged mane, her smile, her imperfect dentition – and being a little green eyed I wondered ‘Why wouldn’t he propose?’ I look at him and envy him for finding her at such a tender age. They are both so young! They make me feel like Methuselah. An unmarried cougar – (they are called cougars, yes?) 

*pulls up a google page

Okay. Maybe not cougar, but you get.  I just feel old and single. Like I am one step to being “those women”. The 42 year old, professionally successful women looking to settle down. For like two seconds, I almost hate my life. The thing about writing is, it makes you really look at a subconscious thought consciously – it gives you a platform to unravel; word by word.

            For some reasons, I step into I’s office. Yes, that I.   And he goes on, and on about things I will never care about. Partly because I have figured him out – in addition to the many disappointing things, he’s shallow. So his gaze no longer derails me. Much. [But the fact that he got me a birthday gift, kinda still makes my heart skip beats. Plus, I like him.] He speaks, for centuries … I am lost in my foul mood. I almost want to cry. But tears at my age are so precious.

… if I shed a tear let it be in worship.

            Eventually nonetheless, he gets my attention. He grabs it with his subtle insinuations that he’s got a partner in crime. …that in the next twenty years, he no longer wants to be working. …that he hopes, he’ll have a Hawaii vacation house somewhere and he will live happily ever after with his wife, as he’ll be done educating his children [or child].
While his day dream can’t hinge me – the subtle insinuation does. His words sounds like the waves skidding across the sea. The soft soothing ripples that transposes with hissing sounds. It stings. Where did I get it all wrong? When did I become this career woman? How did I get here?

* * *                                     ***                              ***

Do you know what Leah spent her life doing when she got married to Jacob? She spent her life bearing children – in an endeavor to win her husband affection. She called the first born – See, a son. She thought, ‘Hmm, now that God has looked upon her my affliction, babe will surely love me.’ In her opinion, because of a SON, Jacob couldn’t ignore her anymore.

Wapi!

She got a second toi. She called him – Heard.  In her opinion, beyond being seen, she was HEARD by God that she was unloved. She thought, ‘Hmm, two sons, two?!! Babe will surely love me.”

Wapi!

She gave birth to the third SON!! She called him – Attached. According to her where or how or why would Jacob ignore her anymore? So in her opinion, because of Levi, she thought ‘Hmm, babe will surely be ATTACHED to me!”

And sadly, throughout all these endeavors, the bible does NOT chronicle a word of Jacob’s affection inclined towards of Leah, ati  because she gave birth to all these tois – Let alone, all of them being males.

… maybe, just maybe,  this is where Leah’s sixth sense kicks in! She stops looking at her husband for affection. She stopped peering to a human being for approval.  She stops yearning for her husband to satiate her insecurities – and she turns 100% to God and turns ON her praise, like she’s never been hurt! She called the last of her loins, ‘Praise’.  … and she STOPS bearing children [Genesis 29:35].

… because that is what God does, when you stop using the worldly plumb lines and look up to Him 100%. He satiates you.

Like Bikozulu once said in his piece http://www.bikozulu.co.ke/open-your-fist/ …your life might seem like bullets through a rag BUT NO hole is deep enough for God not to fetch you from. Reach out. You are not forsaken until you forsake yourself.
 For it is when Leah learned to give ALL credit to God - for her life, her joy that her circumstances changed. It is when she turned her praise to God, that a prophetic blessing came to pass. In Genesis 49:8, an augury of Jacob noticing and acknowledging the blessings over Judah is finally illustrated. Three children later, Leah's desires is satiated through shifting her focus to God.

*sigh... this just bolstered another open your fist to God story.