The Tribute

It never really goes away.

The pain.

It never really goes away...

It takes different forms and shapes,

everyday.

Sometimes,

every moment...

Sprawling itself imposingly in front of you

Constantly reminding you,

That, you ain’t shit

In other days,

It’s like the mystery of dusk.

Its light and dark, mellow and dreamy...

Beautiful, even!

Only,

It’s an insidious fiend creeping on the lonesome walls of your house

That grows darker with every fleeting minute that turns to hours.

They said time is a healer.

They lied!

At least in this case, they did.

Because time doesn’t do much healing.

It piles your pain with layers and layers

Of work, school, friends, life...

It muffles it up with so much busy-ness!

And you ignore it, successfully for awhile.

Till it’s 3 am. and the fiend fully wins.

Your house is PITCH dark,

And the rot of your pain threatens to spread onto EVERYTHING you’ve thrown on it!

You pray, plead and probe

You begin questioning your ENTIRE life

Your choices, your future, your past, God’s presence even!

I see someone shocked at the loss of one of their own

We are pushing through.

Grappling to get into ‘the other side’.

...because in our heads, the other side is pain-free.

But what if this is it?

What if there is no ‘other side’?

What if this right here: you and me is all the reality there is?

*sigh...

Here I am plunging my toes in a pool of pain

Swirling it around and round...

Slowly immersing myself in it

Undressing - one thought at a time.

Trying to wean my mind

To register the change

Allowing it to interlace itself into the rich fabric of being  me

The person I am, the person I am becoming...